


scared you won't love me, terrified that you will

by serenascampbell



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 10:47:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7168019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenascampbell/pseuds/serenascampbell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The result of Arthur's death - how Zosia copes, and how Jac helps her. Might be multi-chapter, take it as it comes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	scared you won't love me, terrified that you will

“Zosia, I’m truly sorry for your loss.” Jac uttered softly as she approached her mentee at the wake for their shared colleague, and for Zosia’s best friend. 

“Thank you Jac, it means a lot.” The younger of the two women replied gratefully, smiling just slightly as she met the eye of her consultant. “I’ll see you in the morning, yes? Surgery at 8?”

“You’re not coming in, Dr March. I’ve told you that I don’t expect to see you in again until the end of the week. I’ll only send you home if you come in.” 

“Considering I’m staying there for next couple of nights, that’s gonna be an issue.” Zosia muttered resoundedly, meeting Jac’s eye and seeing the frustration there. “I can’t be at the flat, Jac. Not with everyone talking about him all the time, I can’t handle that so I’m just gonna stay in the on call room until everything’s settled down a bit.”

“You’re not staying at the hospital, I won’t let you.” Jac retorted in a tone that informed Zosia there was no point in arguing. “If you won’t go to your father’s, then you can stay in my spare room. I’m not leaving you on your own when you’re like this.”

“You’d do that?” The brunette asked before stopping, knowing that Jac would only get annoyed at her. “Thank you, I- I appreciate it.”

Jac stuck to the edges of the room for the next hour, sipping at a glass of wine passively and trying to avoid speaking to any of her colleagues, or more importantly anyone that she hadn’t met before. She didn’t want to admit that she was there because she cared about Zosia, not even to herself, and so she concluded that she was there out of respect - the stent that would be her legacy, would never have succeeded if it wasn’t for Arthur Digby, and Zosia March. 

After some time, people started to leave and the room fell to an almost silence as only Arthur’s parents, Dom and Zosia remained in the room with Jac. Dom kept passing glances towards the redhead with curiosity, trying to figure out what she was doing there but he found no answer and he wasn’t about to go asking for one. Zosia declared her departure, and despite some argument from Dom as he tried to persuade her that they should all be together tonight, she said her farewell and left the room with Jac following closely behind her. 

Dom’s confusion could almost be felt in the air, and Jac couldn’t help but smirk as she followed the young woman out to the car park. 

“I came on the bike, lucky for you I keep a spare helmet in the top box or you would’ve been walking to my house.” Jac commented, flipping open the lid and handing one of the helmets over to Zosia. “Don’t fall off, I don’t want to deal with another dead doctor anytime soon if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll try my best.” Zosia responded matter-of-factly as she tugged the helmet on to her head and pulled down the visor. 

Without another word, Jac hooked her leg over the bike and tilted it upright. Zosia climbed on behind her and after a moment of consideration realised that her hands were going to have to sit around the ginger’s slim waist if she were going to survive the journey. Hesitantly, she wrapped her arms around Jac’s midriff and locked her hands together. Jac revved the engine before setting off and they headed through town towards Jac’s house - there was something utterly liberating in the feeling of having the wind push against you when you’re travelling at high speed…like the rest of the world just goes away and your mind is completely empty. Zosia had always been a thrill seeker, much the same as Jac, and she preferred to deflect her feelings rather than embrace them. 

The pair of women were somehow surprisingly comfortable in one another’s company - for two people who often struggled to be in the same room without screaming, it was remarkable to see how well they could get on when they bothered to try. As Jac rounded the corner and pulled in to her drive, she settled the bike while Zosia climbed off before following suit and heading for the front door. 

“So, you’ve decided suffering in silence is the best plan of action?” Jac speculated casually as she unlocked the front door and walked inside with Zosia following her inside. “Seems like a typically illogical thing to do.” 

“I did my grieving - you might remember, you were there! I’m not going to drag this out for longer than I have to.” Zosia answered calmly, reasoning that she had made the right decision. “Arthur would only be angry with me if he found out that I’d passed up the opportunity of theatre to be sad about him. He knew that I always put my work first, and he respected and supported that. If I waste time being sad about something I can’t fix, it’s like he’s died in vain. The stent didn’t do it’s job, and I’ll admit that if it was any other patient I would concede that potentially it was the wrong course of treatment for him - but we fought for it, and he fought for it, and maybe it just wasn’t his day. Now it’s my job to prove that it was the right decision, that it was just bad luck that meant the stent didn’t work as effectively as we had hoped - Arthur would kill me if he thought that I was putting his feelings before my own. My work means more, I’ve learned to accept that - Arthur taught me to accept that, and he would only resent it if I tried to say otherwise.”

“I’m pleased you’ve seen sense and accepted that there’s nothing wrong with putting your own aspirations before the feelings of those around you, even if you care about them. Arthur cared about you - I know that for a fact - and he wouldn’t blame you for a second for not being there, if you’d been there then you would’ve been there for him, not for yourself. You were where you felt you needed to be.” Jac reassured calmly as she boiled the kettle and grabbed two mugs, dropping a green teabag in to each of them. “You just need to process the fact that he isn’t here to reassure you that you’re doing the right thing anymore. You have to do that for yourself now.”

“Jac, I know I’ve already said but thank you so much for this. I know how much it means for you to let people in to your home life, to let people see behind the image of Jac Naylor, and I am so thankful that you’re here.” Jac didn’t feel the need to respond, she simply faced the boiling kettle and filled the two mugs before handing one to Zosia absentmindedly. 

The pair of them moved to sit at the kitchen table, sipping at their tea quietly as the clock ticked on. Emma was with her Dad for the next couple of days, so it would just be the two of them - Jac hadn’t thought about this when offering to allow Zosia her spare bedroom. She would leave for work in 13 hours at the very least, that was at least 7000 minutes she had to accommodate.

“Do you want to talk about him?” The words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them, she lifted her head to face a sullen-looking Zosia and bit her lip - at least it would fill the silence. “I never really knew him, beyond being another annoying junior and someone who distracted you.”

“Arthur? He was annoying, extremely so- obnoxious, and partially insane, and he never shut up when he ought to. He was a nightmare to live with, had the sex appeal of a pigeon and the co-ordination of one too.” Zosia spieled needlessly, pausing for breath as she met Jac’s gaze. “But he was brave, and strong, and loving, and kind, and dedicated. He saved my life once, I think that’s the worst thing - he saved my life…and I couldn’t save him.”

“You blame yourself.” Jac concluded, speaking below the tone as she observed the young, emotional woman across from her.

“I know that I did what I could, but I resent the fact that I couldn’t do more. It’s what we do - we save lives, we bring people back from the brink of death, complete strangers…people who are nowhere near as good as he was. But we couldn’t save him, one of the greatest men I ever knew. I’m just angry at the world.” Zosia admitted sadly as she relaxed against the back of the seat and exhaled heavily. “I feel so useless, I think that’s why I’m so desperate to be back at work already.”

“You’re not useless, you gave him time…time that was spent with the people that he loved, and he was happy rather than suffering on one of the ward beds.” Jac offered kindly, though it was out of character, she knew there was nothing productive in being harsh at such a difficult time. 

The conversation drew to a close and Jac reached for the remote, turning on to the TV - it filled the silence with the voices of Sloan Grey Memorial. Jac’s guilty pleasure was medical drama, not that anybody knew but she trusted Zosia not to go talking about her behind her back. Ever since the night Zosia had found about Arthur’s death, and Jac had comforted her, there had been a quiet understanding between them - almost the beginnings of a friendship. 

The evening dragged along, neither of them really knowing what to do to fill the time so they simply did what they would’ve without the presence of one another. Eventually it got to around 10:30, and after such an exhausting day that seemed like a reasonable time to turn in for the night. Jac announced that she was going to bed and offered to show Zosia to her room, guiding her up the stairs and towards the room just on the right of her own - it was small and hadn’t been used in quite some time, but it was a bed…and it was better than the on call room. 

“If you need to use the shower then you’re welcome, there are towels in there. Help yourself to whatever you need, within reason of course.” Jac finished before leaving Zosia and heading in to her own bedroom. 

Zosia exhaled heavily before rising and heading towards the bathroom across the hall, ready to wash away all of the day’s emotion. Her shower was hot, scaldingly so, and she was red raw as she dried herself off and dressed in the shirt she had thrown in her bag to sleep in. Heading back across the landing, she entered the room, pulling the door shut behind her but not quite all the way. As she curled up under the covers, she started to cry weakly…making sure that she wasn’t loud enough that Jac could hear her through the thin walls of the house. She’s kept her cool all day, maintained herself at the burial and through the wake - it wasn’t until she was alone that she allowed herself to show how much she was hurting. 

“Arthur, why aren’t you here right now?” She whimpered under her breath, her vision blurred through her tears. 

She cried for who knows how long before the door cracked open a little, and the redheaded consultant padded in and sat on the bed beside Zosia. Silently, she wrapped the younger woman in her arms and held her as she cried, fingers running through her damp, brown hair to sooth her as she weeped. Jac held her tightly until she cried herself to sleep, and then stayed until she settled. After about an hour of watching her junior sleep, she made a move to head back to her own bedroom only to be tugged more tightly towards the brunette. 

Eventually, Jac joined the brunette in restless sleep.


End file.
